I originally set up this blog (over a year ago) thinking I would use it to explore my relationship with food, and with my body. The name is from "eating disorder not otherwise specified" (EDNOS) - that is, disordered eating which does not neatly fit the criteria for anorexia, bullimia, or binge eating disorder*. At the time of writing, I am looking back over almost two decades of bingeing and purging, bingeing and not purging, and periodic starving. I am currently at my fattest ever. And that's not ok.
The silent partner in this relationship is my mother. My anorexic mother, who killed herself earlier this year. For a long time, I have known that there is work I must do on this messy jumble of bodies, food, and mental health**. On being the fat daughter of an anorexic mother. But now it's work that I must do alone. I'm seeing a clinical psychologist, for an assessment, in a few weeks. We shall see.
So, I may write about that here. But I also may write about various other topics Not Otherwise Specified. I'm thinking a lot about the nature of love, at the moment. Being single for the first time since I was 16 gives one a new perspective! And I think I might find it useful to dump bits from Facebook on here, so that I can find them in the future. Or maybe I'll post this, and then never anything again.
I am hugely doubtful that this will ever be read by anyone but myself, but should you exist, reader, please do say hello!
*Also, as I blog about sexual violence - and now, additionally, about grief - I thought it could be on matters "not otherwise specified".
**I once told a therapist that I felt there was so much tied up in the relationship between myself, my body, and my mother. And the therapist rolled her eyes. And we never spoke about that again.
